I’m afraid – and it’s ok

I have an announcement.  I got the job! 

Why the title of my post, you wonder?  This is the best of times and it’s the worst of times…This powder keg of emotions has been building ever since I knew this job was a possibility.  I obviously have commitment issues.  I won’t even mention the big H {hormones} that seems to cover every problem that exists for womankind.

I don’t know if you can understand my fear but I’m putting it out here.  Keeping it real.  Sherri isn’t perfect.  Sherri makes mistakes.  Sherri is afraid of a “real job,” a “grown up job.”  Gulp.  I’ve spent countless hours on the phone getting much needed therapy from Bren, Cheryl and Ray. My two soul sisters give me the emotional support and Ray cuts thru the crap and gets to the heart of the matter and gives me his managerial insight to soothe the scared little girl inside of me.  Even Mom has lamented over our family’s self esteem issues.  Thank God for these people that lift me up when I’m so low, so afraid.

It’s also about the silly things like how to plan my schedule since I will need to leave earlier in the morning.  I will also have to pack a meal for dinner.  You are probably rolling your eyes now but since I’ve been looking at gluten-free packed meal suggestions I’m happy to know that others get stressed about this too.  Gluten free breads tend to be dry so I will have to think up different alternatives to a “usual” brown bag lunch of sandwich, bag of chips and fruit.  Not terrifying just more stress.  Thank God for Google!

I went online to pull the definition of fear and found this:

Fear is a powerful and complex emotion. So complex, in fact, that you may not even realize when you are expressing it. Oprah says “I think people don’t understand that anxiety is fear. Jealousy is fear. Greed is fear. All of those are elements of a fear-based culture.”

Dr. Brown agrees. “Eating is fear. Drinking is fear. Drugs are fear. Rage is fear,”

“Yeah,” Dr. Brown says. “We’re all afraid. We just have to get to the point where we understand it doesn’t mean that we can’t also be brave.”

I’ve become friends with one of the cosmetology students who is in the last stretch of her 15 month class.  She’s been missing school thanks to ANXIETY.  I was so glad to see her the other day.  I whispered my news to her and said “I know how you feel – I’ve been so afraid!”

We have so many labels in our society.  I know that I’m an introvert, super-sensitive, artistic woman.  I am also a strong woman that has survived a heap of trouble – taking care of a child with leukemia and fear that it would not be enough, worry for his brother while I was apart from him, dark battles with depression, a bitter divorce, financial chaos and family strife.  But I have survived.

I will survive now.  Face the fear.  Make the fear go away or become less scary! 

One of my favorite songs that got me through a difficult time is this:  U2’s Stuck in a Moment – they could have dedicated it to me, I am such a fool.  I always cry at this part:  

And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It’s just a moment
This time will pass

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5 thoughts on “I’m afraid – and it’s ok

  1. Michelle is right, Sher! I also want you to have a super day, and always know that these people must value you highly, or else you wouldn’t have made it this far. There’s nothing better than having the opportunity to work in a friendly, supportive environment. Roll with it, Baby! You are your You-I-est! You can do this and do it beautifully! I’m so very proud of you ❤

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    • Thanks as always Bren! I made my lists yesterday and I’ve already made my meal to pack for work:), taken my bath and have my wardrobe ready. I feel better but surprisingly nervous for my first day:) Thanks for the much needed hand holding lately! Love you sister!

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  2. Yay for you! I’m so happy you got the job!
    It’s always scary starting something new. But you know what to expect because you have been there. Just take it one day at a time an try not to think of the commitment aspect of it all. It’s less scary that way. That’s what I do when I know I have a ton of issues pressing in I deal one at a time.
    I know you can do this you are an amazing strong woman.
    Have a super day and congratulations!
    I’m very happy for you. 🌸🌸🌸😃

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    • Thanks Michelle for the advice:) I made lots of lists yesterday and even a detailed schedule for this morning…that’s how I cope once I start thinking about the problem and coming up with solutions. Thanks for always asking about my job! It’s gonna be great – I just have to remember to breathe.

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